i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize