this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
