She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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