i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
