I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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