he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
