I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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