I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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