best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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