Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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