fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
