even my farts smell like vagina
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You dont lie about slip and slides
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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