mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
