Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
