I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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