if i can run in heels then i can drive
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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