is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
