U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
