I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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