a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Someone came in the potted fern
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize