glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
