Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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