theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We had sex on a dog bed..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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