I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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