I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
