i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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