I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
