Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize