I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
