I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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