im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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