i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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