I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
