I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
