does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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