Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She's JV to your varsity
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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