I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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