I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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