he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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