A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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