apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
