A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
