FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize