Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
