I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
