I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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