this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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