I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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