I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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