a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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