I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
