Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
