just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
