im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
