Say something about gay babies.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
