that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
