Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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