Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
